My Ex: Promiscuous or Pervert.
They say if you go looking for answers you may find more than you bargained for… for me, paedophilia was one of them.
I’m open minded. Very. There are no true limits to my discussions surrounding sex. I am non-judgemental, I’m curious even just to understand others experiences. That is until we broach two distinct sexual interactions. Those involving children, and those involving sexual or psychological violence without constent.
Sexual perversity is different from kink. I’m a fetish following submissive. I wouldn’t say that I’m engrossed in it but I’m certainly scene literate. The morality of fetishism is often a little eyebrow raising when you’re not given context but, when you see a collar or a pacifier on a fully grown consenting adult, that is usually an indicator that consent is involved. It levies the stimulation into the safe realms of “fetish”. Weird, disquieting; but still fetish.
Now, showing a deliberate and obstinate desire to behave in a way that is unreasonable or unacceptable such as engaging in kink or fetish without establishing knowledge, consent and boundaries (including abuse of assumed power) that is perversion.
My biggest fear in life was that I would EVER have a sexual degenerate lay their hands on me, and call it love; my abuser doesn’t care that he is a night-terror incarnate. But what scares me most is that aside from the lack of confirmation that he killed small animals as a child, there is a slowly building list of things that indicate he is a literal violent psychopath rather than a narcissist. And I do often consider which is worse.
A slow and painful demise of the mind through violent and psychological torment over a few years…or the violent, impromptu torture for only a few hours/weeks which ends unexpectantly.
I get to choose, from the moment I reported him to the police on the 6th of December the following is branded on his Quora profile (which, hilariously, he follows with his more socially appropriate mask):
Those deleted comments lead to this:
Yup, a discussion on how one can obtain a fire-arm. Reassuring when you have just reported your abuser for extreme domestic violence.
No person should have to consider dying slowly but knowingly, or being shot by surprise; the lucky survivors portion when your abuser is still out there.
My PTSD still has me wondering what is real and what is not; was I the abuser, did I do something to hurt him, would he have been a better person without me. Yes, I keep regular tabs on my ex due to his abusive behaviour; nothing quite like someone strangling you, throwing you around, screaming, or continuously muttering they want to kill you under their breath to make one a little paranoid.
Quora (my worst enemy as someone with BPD) is also my best friend when it comes to a window into the twisted mind of my abuser and his reluctance to seek any form of psychological help. Defamation prevents me from fully pulling back the veil. But I can show you the crops of horror I was privy to.
From liking comments that indicate psychological abuse, gun-worship, hyper-sexualization of normal events, and de-humanization of women; my ex is the epitome of grotesque.
And I polish my Investigator badge with pride because, without it, I would still be in the binge-eating portion of the breakup. On finding this, I feel further ahead in my recovery. Instead of feeling sick at thought of seeing him due to grief, sadness, and fear; the thought of him often repulses me on a very human level.
Psychopathy follows a general rule of thumb; a complete void of empathy that, when challenged, results in rage. Empathy can be feigned, learnt, broadcast very convincingly but it is simply NOT there. A psychopath has no empathy even for them self, their past experiences, their past interactions, their past pain. These emotional interactions are purely circumstantial. And if you’re finding this idea difficult to imagine/awkward/uncomfortable to sit with? Then, congratulations, you’re not a psychopath.
Narcissism is something we all experience; delusions of grandure, arrogance, pride. But what separates others from someone with a Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder from your run-of-the-mill narcissism, is that the personal past experiences are so overly empathised with that the self becomes the focus of all interactions.
The most difficult thing to grasp in both of these situations is that the mindsets are part of neurodivergence. The behaviours, on the other hand; now THOSE are the disorders. Suspension, or denial, of empathy, can be intrinsically nurture or nature; behaviours on the other hand, we know can be adjusted to be pro-social or at least anti-destructive. The rub comes when we have to accept that, if the brain cannot compute the fundamental concept of empathy, there is no reachable internal cognitive reasoning for behavioural adaptation. Interesting to note that my ex has two profiles on Quora and he follows himself on both of them; he reaches to himself for empathy.
I’m not able to destroy all perverts in the world but I imagine that someone appreciates the documentation on a Great White Shark. Especially before they go skinny-dipping with a papercut in infested waters. Prevention is sometimes the only option when sexual perversity and sexual violence appears to be a fundamental personality trait in another.
A victim has a right to explore their recovery without fear, with trust. There is a certain satisfaction when one witnesses the dramatic downfall of a serial offender. Not because a victim is vengeful but because empathy and experience reveal that justice is the only true reward after abuse. If an abuser is forced to become a lonely, social recluse as a by-product of their own public display of perversion; excuse me if I am unapologetic. As it protects others from engaging with a masked moster who upvotes things like this:
In my experience, abusers flaunt their distorted view on life continuously until caught and, even then, you can’t stop a person thinking how they think.
But a survivor of abuse can shine a light on the similar experiences of others. Silence us and you miss an opportunity to understand there is a pattern, that these people do exist. They have names. They have scripts. And they are indiscriminate.
Drawing attention to it may feed that narcissistic arrogance that demands attention. but at the risk of feeding the beast, it may serve up justice to someone starving to heal or remove the whole issue from the menu to protect everyone who could possibly order the same toxic meal.